you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
