So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
