I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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