So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have fence marks all over my body
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
