I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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