i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
