I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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