It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
