Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
