Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
