awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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