Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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