at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
