I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
