i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize