I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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