my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just pee around me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
