we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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