The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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