I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
