News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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