my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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