Your face is a jimmy john
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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