I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My bed smells like the plague
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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