Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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