also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
time to smoke my breakfast
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
