I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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