Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
