I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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