dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize