just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
