The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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