You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
