so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
