True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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