That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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