bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
