he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
