I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
