Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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