my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize