Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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