I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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