dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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