I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
