she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
