I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
