I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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