On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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