She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
