you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
