I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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