I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
