I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
