I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
