So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
