i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize