Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
