Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
