Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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