Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The struggles of a small town man whore
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
