I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize