When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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