Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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