Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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