I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
we should paint friendship bongs
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