U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
