he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drake has all the answers
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize