Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
