I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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